If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
