i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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