I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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