Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
