I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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