Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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