i wish my penis had a tongue
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
