So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
