Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
