ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
