my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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