Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
