Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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