My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
