I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
