Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
