thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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