I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
