I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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