I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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