I just cut my nipple shaving
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
