One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
