He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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