Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
