It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
