even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
