it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
