Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
