So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
