i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
