Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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