Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
