I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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