is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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