I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
