She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
