so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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