i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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