I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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