im holly from the hills drunk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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