I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
