so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I want a musical about memes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
