I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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