She just used a chaser for red wine.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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