I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
