why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
