More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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