well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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