After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
