I wish my penis had an off switch
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
