today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
